Paralyzed

I have about 3 weeks worth of work to get done in 3 days time and I'm feeling completely paralyzed, frozen...waiting for the adrenaline to kick in and jump start me...I'm scared that my ingition is burnt.....augh!

Frazzled

I'm trying to decide how to label this bundle of emotions and thoughts that have been racing through my head the last 6 months.

Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is is just plain old stress? OR something entirely different.

It seems that lately, I am dissatisfied with myself on all counts. Although the life outside of my body is wonderful, I feel disconnected and even resentful of it sometimes. I have a wonderful son (a toddler), whom I love unconditionally and who makes me so happy there are no words to describe his energy. I have a husband whom I love and who I communicate well with, who understands me and is a great partner. I have a family that is supportive and loving, I have friends that are fun and have endured. I am healthy. I have a good job and a nice home. All my needs are met, yet I feel frustrated in my life...

I started feeling this way a few months ago, and for a long time I attributed these negative feelings to my exhaustion, not having slept for a year and a half with a toddler that had a bad sleep routine. But then a few months ago, the sleeping issue got resolved and yet the nagging negative feelings remained. Since then I have been trying to probe myself, a type of self-analysis to find out why I feel the way I do, what causes are underlying and how can I resolve these and improve myself.

I am in no means a psychologist...I've never even taken a course on the topic, but being a scientist I truly believe that each and every action has an equal reaction. We do the things we do because we are prompted to do them, and to achive a different reaction we must make changes to obtain them. My internal logic thinks that by self-analyzing, I should be able to resolve my issues. But the first step is to dig up all the issues, every one of them, no matter how deep they are buried..because those are the ones that are the source issues, they are masked by other things that are superficial, they don't like to be disturbed because disrupting them can make ugly emotions surface...I guess it's a type of survival mechanism, but then we trap ourselves in habits and lifestyles that fuel the problem... the so-called vicious cycle.

I'm trying to figure out why, after so many years of being happy, why are these things coming out now, in my thirties. Am I just experiencing a precocious mid-life crisis? I've been thinking about it a lot and I think it stems from the fact that I have been really introspective lately, since having a child. As my child is learning and growing everyday, I am trying to do my best to raise him in such a way that I do not impart my bad habits, my negative associations to him. I don't want him to have the hangups I do. I want him to grow up being optimistic and curious, open-minded but with a feeling of purpose and having beliefs and principles. I want him to be productive and to achieve but also know the meaning of fun, relaxation and down-time. I want him to have friends and laugh a lot, yet know when it's time to be serious or quiet. I want him to be tolerant while having morals, to be honest and respectful , non-judgmental and true to himself...This was how my parents raised me to be, yet why is it that I have so many doubts in myself, so much dissatisfaction. Is it because there is such a high bar that is set for me to be so perfect as a person that I feel I cannot live up to it? Trying to be happy in life is a very complicated thing. You can be happy in many aspects in your life, yet be miserable in others, and being the creatures that we are we will focus on only the negative aspects...

I need to purge these from my system. Start on a fresh new slate. I need to confront what I hate about myself and maybe then I can do something about them. I have always been an extreme procrastinator, but it seems that lately I am paralyzed into inaction because of the shear volume of stuff I need to get done and the weight that this poses...and so I while away the hours watching my life go by....and then I feel even worse because I wasted that time and the badgering and self-flagellation begins all over again.

Where do I begin...I guess at the beginning. I have to list my issues and tackle them one at a time...me being logical again. But the procrastinator in me is saying...let's do this later...